A hotline from God

Louis Barfe fails to get religion

Calling all light entertainers. Is your career on the decline? Then why not get religion? Thora Hird eked out her pension between Alan Bennett scripts by defrosting beef in bulk and presenting Praise Be!, while Harry Secombe hauled his bloated Welsh body around Britain for Highway.

Now chasing God's shiny dollar is Brummie "comedian" Don Maclean, currently presenting Radio 2's Good Morning Sunday - two hours of cloying, suffocating, Sabbath smugness. His revival is stunning considering that there wasn't much to revive in the first place.

Being sensible, I rise late on a Sunday. Indeed, Radio 2 isn't fit for human consumption until Steve Wright finishes at 11am. Sometimes I inadvertently catch a bit of GMS (for which ointments and unctions are available). There is one question that crops up weekly: "When did you begin your relationship with God/Allah/Buddah/The Reverend Moon?"

Most interviewees wax lyrical about seeing the light. Not Bonnie Langford, who was on once to plug a provincial touring revival of Cats on Ice, or something. She admitted that she had no relationship with a higher being, then carried on, bold as brass, puffing her new product. I had always regarded Bonnie as the most irritating thing ever to wear a leotard, but for that, all her sins are forgiven.

Fortunately, Radio 2 is mostly harmless or better. Take Friday Night is Music Night (known variously as Friday Night is Bath Night, Friday Night is Gelignite or just FNIMN). Weekly for the last 50 years, the BBC Concert Orchestra, aided by a guest conductor and a singer or two has ploughed through everything from light classical to modern jazz, to great and entertaining effect.

It is rumoured that Radio 2 head honchette Lesley Douglas wants to replace Bath night with something more glam - the Orchestra has already done spectaculars with Diana Krall and the increasingly-white Lionel Richie. FNIMN is old-fashioned, but there's still room for it at Radio 2. If a similar stunt were pulled on Radio 4, there would be a protest march, but Radio 2 listeners aren't like that. It's hard to march in tartan slippers.